Dear God, oh, wait, oops, I mean Santa,
Mom says you're not the same as God, but I get kind of confused about that sometimes, especially when she keeps talking about God's kid Jesus. I asked Mom if you and God are brothers, but she acted annoyed and told me not to ask stupid questions, so I guess that means you're not.
Anyway, I'm writing to ask you a very important question, Santa. I asked God for the same thing, but I guess he's ignoring me, so I'm hoping you'll help me out. I've been soooo good this year. I hardly even beat up my little brother at all! I only want one single thing this Christmas, Santa. All I want for Christmas is for Chevy Chase to be my new daddy.
I love Chevy Chase so much, Santa! And to be honest, you kind of gave me a bum deal. Oh wait, no, sorry, God gave me the bum deal when he was passing out the daddies.
I love my dad, Santa, but come on. He doesn't even live with us anymore, and he forgot to get me a present three years in a row! Last year I said to my mom, "You have got to be kidding me!" when I found a package with "Love Daddy" written in her handwriting under the tree. I kinda figure that maybe he won't mind so much if Chevy Chase becomes my new daddy. I mean, we can still be friends, right?
I went over to my dad's house a while ago and he had a new girlfriend who made us blackberry milkshakes. She was pretty, but she kept forgetting my name. And she kept going to the bathroom and staying in there for like ten minutes, like every half an hour. And she smelled funny. And her eyes were all red. But anyway Santa, the point isn't my dad's weird new girlfriend. The point is that my dad is still carrying around my school picture from kindergarten in his wallet and Oh. My. God. That's like, beyond embarrassing. I don't even look anything like that anymore. I'm sure Chevy Chase would carry around the new picture of me in my favorite pink B.U.M. Equipment sweatshirt, the right one.
My dad slept for nineteen hours when I went to visit him, Santa. So I don't think he'll really mind if Chevy Chase becomes my new daddy. He's obviously getting tired if his naps are that long, and I don't really wanna go there anymore if the only thing to do is be hungry and just watch TV all day.
Chevy Chase has lots of energy, Santa. He put up like a million Christmas lights, and then he had to check each bulb like three times! And then his house lit up the whole town! And I don't mean to be rude, Santa, but my mom's way prettier than Chevy Chase's wife. I honestly think he'd like her better. And I think my mom might yell less if Chevy was my new dad because he’s so funny.
I promise promise promise I'll be the best kid in the whole wide world if you'll just bring me Chevy Chase this Christmas.
Love,
A Confused Kid
P.S. Do you like chocolate chip cookies or gingerbread men better?